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There's a telling moment in Lukas Gage's latest publication where he refers to it a "premature autobiography". It's a self-deprecating quip, of course, but it's also true. Gage isn't extremely well-known – at least not yet. Chances are, though, if you've seen him then you won't have forgotten him. In 2020, he became an internet sensation after leaking an tryout recording where the filmmaker – forgetting he wasn't on mute – was caught judging his apartment. "These individuals live in these small apartments," he states, before Gage intervenes to let him know he can listen to every word. The following year, Gage appeared in the debut installment of The White Lotus: in one moment, his character Dillon is caught by a visitor standing completely undressed in the manager's office, while said manager engages in a sexual act on him.

"I thought: I don't have too much to do in the show so I'd better make an impression on it big," he remarks with a smile today. "I wanted to give people something to recall me for – and I did!"

Messy Characters and Life

Gage specialises in roles whose lives are chaotic and disordered – just like his own. That life is all revealed in his memoir, which – here comes another modest joke – is titled I Wrote this Book for Attention. Although comically entertaining, its subject matter is anything but simple. We start with Gage's feelings of abandonment by his father, then progress to drug use, sexual abuse, family dysfunction, addiction, personality disorders, shame, unstable relationships and heartbreak. What we aren't shown all that much of is the glitz of stardom. Gage readily admits he is at the beginning of his profession. He has no vast reserves of knowledge to share on achievement. So what was the purpose of writing a memoir?

"I believe it's cathartic for me to tell my journey," he says over a online call from New York. "Throughout the entertainment industry strike I had the opportunity to really delve and go deep, so I just said: screw it."

Early Years and Validation

Gage, 30, was raised in San Diego, and from an early age he was aware of his constant need for validation. He remembers a gathering where he appeared, aged four, wearing heels and costume accessories; in particular, he recalls being wounded by his dad's obvious disgust at what he was doing. Their relationship never really healed – Gage's dad moved out and became progressively distant with his sons (Gage has two older brothers) before starting with a different household.

Gage struggled to fit in at school. He was a born actor, but this meant it was often challenging to know who the true Lukas was. "I was constantly adopting different personas and personalities, which I think was quite divisive for people," he says. It also had its advantages. Gage could effortlessly take on the persona of a clean-living football player while secretly filling his backpack up with alcohol at the rear of the local store. He was sometimes paid by classmates to call up and pretend to be their parents to get them out of class. "Becoming different people was natural to me," he remarks.

Addiction and Household Challenges

The book deals with dependency – predominantly his sibling's struggles with heroin that transform the admired brother he idolised into a weak zombie, but also his mother's obsession with casino slot machines. An initial win meant the household could manage to make the down payment on a bigger house, but Gage laughs when I inquire if she actually profited from betting. "Ultimately, how much she used was certainly a lot more than that."

It is amusing, he notes. Until she had gone through the book, his mum hadn't really come to terms with this side of her personality. "She talked to my other brothers, like, 'Do you guys think this way too?' And they were all like, 'Of course, we've been saying this since we were kids.'"

Gage has a lot of love for his mum, who clearly raised her children up in difficult conditions. But she had a difficulty reviewing it. "She believed as if she failed as a mother and I did not want her to think that way whatsoever. I believe like even though there's these chaotic things that happened to me, hard things, I truly appreciated the way that I was raised."

Finding Identity and Trauma

Gage didn't begin to locate his true self until he was sent to an performance program as a child, where being loud, flamboyant and expressive was actually supported. The time was life-changing in good ways, but also in a awful one. One night, he was joined in his tent by a camp counsellor who told Gage and a female participant to kiss, remove their garments and press their bodies against each other while he masturbated. For a long time afterwards, he tried to ignore the shame it left him with.

"Like a lot of people who undergo being molested, I felt like there was a complicity on my part because my body just checked out. I knew it was wrong. I knew that the circumstance should not be happening. But I just ploughed through it."

Self-Criticism and Professional Journey

Gage is tough on himself in the book – and still is. He confesses to searching out "harsh reviews" of himself on the internet. "I dislike that I don't always hold my acting and work in the highest esteem," he states. "I desire I could have more compassion with that part of myself."

Yet he accepts that this doubt motivates him forward too. In secondary school, he featured in a skin care commercial and spent the day on set asking every question possible about mic positioning and the job of crew. Despite his mum's reservations, he left San Diego for Hollywood at the age of 18, staying in the Alta Cienega Motel where his idol Jim Morrison lived, on and off, between 1968 and 1970 (Tripadvisor reviews – "Stay FAR FAR AWAY from this place!" – indicate it might not have been the most comfortable of accommodations).

Gage's major opportunity should have arrived when he secured a small role in Mad Men, as Sally Draper's love interest. He told his entire household about it, but during a wardrobe session he was forced to show the tattoos he'd had inked on his ribs, back and calf. "I had these representatives telling to me: how could you damage this? How could you mess this up? I don't think that was the best thing for a teenager to listen to when they've just lost something that big."

These days, such markings would be covered up in minutes, but back then he was dismissed and starting over. The relentless rounds of auditions and rejections were harsh, but at least he had been trained well for them. "If I ever got turned down for a job, I would always feel: it's fine, it's not as bad as my dad leaving me for another family and kid," he says.

Perseverance and Breakthrough

Gage persevered. The tale of how he deceived, begged and manipulated to get an audition for Assassination Nation, which ultimately led to a part in the hit show Euphoria (as Tyler Clarkson, black-eyed and in a neck brace) and then The White Lotus, could take up a book in itself. Gage recalls the oddity of shooting The White Lotus in 2020, sequestered in a luxury Hawaii hotel while the health crisis and the US election raged on. It was in fact Gage, along with fellow actor Murray Bartlett, who suggested the idea that their sex act should be something a bit extra – and show runner Mike White readily approved. Gage laughs recalling his mum's response. "She wrote me a message, like, 'Such a cute bum, but maybe next time give me a heads-up that's going to occur when I'm viewing with my friends.'"

It was while on set that Gage shared colleagues the audition video in which his home was criticized. Their reaction – surprised, amused, supportive – persuaded him to share it online. He wasn't ready for the feedback it received: countless articles, outpourings of backing from peers and unknown people alike, and a campaign against the director in question, none of which Gage had any say over. "I thought like people were much more angry about it than I was, which confused me," he {